This is not my ceiling
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize