My friends, they love my intelligence
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
