He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
