I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
