Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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