tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I can't turn off my feet"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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