mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
