they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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