I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
