if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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