Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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