I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
