I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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