Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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