Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
