I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
NoShamevember. You game?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
