Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
