How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize