You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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