I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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