What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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