and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
