She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
