She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize