mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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