I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
