He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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