She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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