we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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