1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
