Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
