i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
where are you?
Hypothermia
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize