Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
