How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
