Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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