just come out here and I will go home with you...
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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