he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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