The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
