i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
