I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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