no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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