Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I intend to get homeless drunk
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
