i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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