She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
