You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
