My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize