pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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