You made me cry and you don't even care
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
