What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
