i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
