nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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