I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
