So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
