pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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