seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
