I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
