I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
