remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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