but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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