She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
