Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
