NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
