You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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