I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
