I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
