his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
